I didn't know I was good-looking until quite recently, when a sobbing acquaintance confessed that she was horribly jealous of me. I was like, wtf? But it sort of made sense, in its own twisted little way. Maybe this "deformity" is why most girls (I am a girl myself) immediately assume I'm stupid and unintelligent. They always have a very shocked and bitter expression on their faces when I use a word like "vituperative" or, my fave, "floccinaucinihilipilification". Oh, boys do it too, but being objectified by a fellow girl really bites. Everyone always says the same thing, you know. After they've known me for a while, they approach me and say, in a puzzled voice, "You're so nice." Apparently they automatically assumed I wasn't, based on my appearance.
I wear no makeup. "You're wearing heavy blush."
"... I'm not wearing blush."
"Well, you're wearing lipstick."
"I'm also not wearing any lipstick."
"Well, you're wearing eyeshadow."
"That's some serious mascara!"
"I *never* wear mascara."
And so on, and so forth. I'm tall. I have the body of an anime character girl. I have glossy hair. And I look like I'm wearing makeup when it's really just my skin color. This is the *reason* people give me when I ask them why they've been complete assholes to me.
So, what would my gut reaction to this be?
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE IS A REALLY !@#$%^ED UP EXCUSE FOR TREATING ME LIKE A B****. And then, of course, the general population of boys hit puberty. And then it was all, "Will you go out with me?" from complete strangers, and randomly being groped by both boys and girls, and being stalked by lesbians, and having every single boy I *know* tell me that they were friends with me while talking my friends' ears off about how their love for me burned like the fire of a thousand suns.
Oh, great. I'm "pretty". I'm an *especially valuable* sex object. Naturally, having a brain, I *hate* this. I have *always* hated whiny, "pretty" women who feed their egos and their careers by putting on makeup and prancing about like idiots in front of men. I have always *deeply* loathed females who use their looks to get their way.
Every subatomic particle of my body screams against being anything like that sort of scum. So, sort of like a reaction to that, I've always rejected sex. I really barely remember I'm a girl until someone points it out to me, so the behavior other people give me is often very confusing and irritating. To me (because it's happened so many times), being called pretty is an insult. It overlooks my brain; and my goal in life is not to be "pretty", it is to cultivate my intelligence. "Pretty" means they can only see me as just another sex object. "Pretty" means my brains don't count. "Pretty" means that when they think of me, they think of my body. Curse it. My intelligence is what I care about. I honestly wouldn't give a hoot if I got a disfiguring facial scar; in fact, I'd probably be relieved, because then I wouldn't have to be a sex object. People would *have* to value me only for my intellect. As it stands, I'm thinking of just starting to wear masks while I'm in public. Maybe it would force people to stop seeing me as a "sexy" thing, and start seeing me as a bloody *human being*.